I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
