I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
