so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Randomize
