i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
