Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize
