Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
