you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
