There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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