I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Randomize
