so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
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