I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Come on in and take your pants off
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