Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
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