I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
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