dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
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