my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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