btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
