My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize