Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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