Fine. I'll sleep in my office
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Randomize
