I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
