oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
