There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
