my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
