I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
Sacagawea was the original milf.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
