I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Randomize
