I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
