he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
