I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
