My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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