Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
