Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
A+ Viking dick
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Randomize
