you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Too much gin, very little bucket
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize
