I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
i wish my penis had a tongue
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
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