I'm so fucking centered right now
I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Randomize
