i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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