1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Who died my cat blue again?
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
