meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Your mouth is God's brothel.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
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