he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
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