There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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