btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
