Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Randomize
