hell yes lets make some ravioli
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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