I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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