Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
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