Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Randomize
