Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
