You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
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