Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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