connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
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