I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
