Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
