I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize