when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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