I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
