I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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