i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
