Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
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