Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
