ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize