You're completely useless in the revolution.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Randomize
