i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
