Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
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