I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Randomize
