You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
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